it takes a LOT of faith to entrust all your life experiences, hurts, traumas and unhealthy mindsets to someone with the hope of change.
i want to encourage you with this promise:
"and I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” // philippians 1:6
He who has BEGUN this long, hard and sometimes (what feels like) a hopeless process in you will SEE YOU THROUGH IT. God will not leave all your wounds gaping open for too long.
His healing process takes time + in those moments it can feel like, “what’s the point?” —- but really try to draw your focus to the bigger picture.
maybe its been 5 years of unhealthy coping mechanisms, or a year of anxiety, or 10 years of self-neglect, or 2 years of codependency in a toxic relationship, a season of depression, a couple weeks feeling “off”, death of a loved one, or managing stress.
it may not go away in just 3 therapy sessions—but that is more than okay!!
as i’ve mentioned in previous posts, i’ve wrestled with eating disorders for the past 8 years of my life. i did not elicit formal help until recently— about 6 months ago.
after the first week (which was 15 hours of therapy) i expected to be completely better.
i honestly FELT a lot better but that was just surface cleaning.
they wiped the counters, but the cupboards of my heart were stuffed with old, nasty tupperware. (kind of a gross analogy but that’s kind of how it felt)
part of me didn’t care about the stuff no one could see, but pretty soon, i felt the cupboard doors open and was flooded with old habits and mindsets i had neglected for so long.
i felt messier than i ever did before. more broken. more incapable. more insecure + more emotional (pretty sure i was crying almost everyday!!)
what the heck man?! isn’t this supposed to HELP?!
it took about 2 months after starting therapy to not feel like a complete mess all the time.
even after THAT, another process started: how to organize and put all the newly cleaned dishes back into my life.
that’s been pretty hard...because i think after a while we like the mess.
we are used to coping with certain things—to the point where better doesn’t even feel right. its uncomfortable.
i didn’t want to accept recovery as a new normal... and i actually still hate it.
how do i live without it? what do i fill my time with now?
i’m reminded of the scripture in john where Jesus asks the man, “do you [really] want to get well?”
we figure “well duh, of course he WANTS to be well” but honestly, i still wrestle with that question.
if Jesus were to ask me that today i think i’d have to make a pros + cons list right in front of him.🥴
some days I’m super motivated, other days, not so much
on the days i’m not, i think it comes down to this:
“i’m tired of fighting for good when i don’t experience the fruit.
i thought all of this (therapy) was supposed to stop the battling, the constant war.
i had a conversation with one of my friends about this subject. i was expressing my feelings about treatment and how frustrated i was that i wasn’t “cured.”
he responded, (paraphrase) “i know, i was annoyed too when i started therapy because it didn’t really solve my issues. it just helped me be more equipped to deal with them.
the battle was easier to win, but i wanted the fight to stop”
when he said that, i was shook.
he literally put into words my exact embedded assumptions about therapy and why my hope was deferred.
i had put my hope in the wrong thing. i wanted to get to a place where i no longer needed to receive help, or even think about my issue. i think for a lot of us our goal is to not need anyone anymore- to be independent.
i think after some time, (probably longer than we want) that can happen. i know some people that feel completely healed from their depression, anxiety, eating disorder, addiction, + trauma, to the point where it doesn’t affect their everyday lives anymore. but i believe that’s more of a rarity than we’d like to think
in matthew 8, a guy walks up to Jesus and asks for healing . Jesus responds, “i am willing”. Jesus is always willing to go into the trenches with us and walk us through the healing process as we dig up all our old stuff. have faith to stick with the process and trust that he will too.
+ that’s the last part of this that i want to talk about.
this life with Jesus is all about relying on Him.
my friend ended with, “this reminded me of the ‘thorn in my flesh’ paul talks about in second corinthians.”
it might be a case of “if i didn’t have this, I’m not sure i’d need God” or “if this would be gone + i would no longer need to fight and life would be perfect” (that’s how i feel).
one hypothetical question: if you had to pick between having this thing, WITH God (+ the deep intimacy that comes with struggle), OR not having this thing but also refusing God because you don’t need him (+ going through life that way, independent of his comfort + presence)—which would ya choose?
although life generally isn’t that black and white, and reality is somewhere in the middle, it’s still a good question to ask... and hard to answer at times. i think it comes down to what we value more. God-reliance, or self-reliance.
all in all i just want to encourage you in the fight for health, wellness, FAITH, + perseverance.
its super not easy and there will be times when giving up seems like the only option and faith grows weary but God wants healing for you more than you even do.
will you trust that he will walk before you AND after you in this process?
and more than just believe it—but truly LIVE it.
with each and every decision, trusting that God will sow these times for your healing.
you got this.💗
1 thes. 2:8
because we love you so much, we are delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God, but our lives as well